I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
