I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
