I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found the puke drawer
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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