woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
