Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
