your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
