Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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