i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
