If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Randomize
