You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
