I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize