this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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