Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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