i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
