is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
