I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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