Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
