so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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