A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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