You don't have asthma, your pregnant
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
