I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Did I show you my penis last night?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
