Just cropdusted the office
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
