So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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