Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
