im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
