I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
