I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
