trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
