I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
