The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
