Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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