That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize