woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
