remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
