Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
