Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
