I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's blow job season.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
