it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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