Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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