I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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