You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
