I can text with my tongue
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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