So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
