Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize