you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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