youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found the puke drawer
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
