I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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