Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
