toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize