the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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