I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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