I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize