He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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