Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
