I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
