is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
