so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
