Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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