Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
