someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
