Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
