i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
