Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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