why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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