dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
