that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
