cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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